i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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