if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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