im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
