like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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