Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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