I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
