You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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