I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
