I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
