my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
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