i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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