I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
