did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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