Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
