Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
