Four minutes until I can fart!
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
