i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
