Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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