I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
