He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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