During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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