There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
