I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
