Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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