i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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