You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
