So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
