I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I pour the whiskey from now on
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
