So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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