I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Someone came in the potted fern
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
