I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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