Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
