he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
