please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
