I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
