Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
