mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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