I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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