Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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