The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
