i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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