I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
