Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize