no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
