The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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