can we get nightvision for the apartment?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
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