He disabled his match.com account in front of me
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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