I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
