Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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