Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
