2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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