I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
