Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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