I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I intend to get homeless drunk
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize