you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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