Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
